Those who are friends with me on Facebook know of my secret obsession with the television programs The Haunted and A Haunting. The scariest episodes of which are the ones featuring demonic possession. These programs scare me so much that not so long ago I got frightened by my own shadow in the shower, almost peed myself and screamed like a little girl as a result. So imagine my surprise when I learned this week that I too might be possessed by a demon. I might be possessed and not even know about it and to make things even worse - you might be possessed too!
My old friend Pat Robertson (the American “Christian” Televangelist) had a religious epiphany this past Monday on his harebrained morning television show. While discussing a man in a brokeback marriage’s behavior of trolling the streets longing for cheap sex with men, Pat came to the conclusion that it must somehow be related to demonic possession. When I saw this I must admit that I did get a little excited but not for the reasons you might think.
You see I thought that my possible demonic possession could explain my mood swings and IMS (Irritable Male Syndrome - in case you missed that blog post). If I was indeed possessed by a demon then all I needed to do is contact my local Catholic Church and get an exorcism sanctioned by the Vatican. We all know the Pope adores me and if he could jump he would at the chance of making me straight. But being the rational person that I am I decided to examine this more closely before I voluntarily invited Pope Benedict XVI or any of his priests’ holy ghosts to enter me from behind.
The Exorcist must be the one movie about demonic possession that scared the living shit out of me the most. Needless to say I have watched it several times too many and it serves as my personal point of reference when it comes to extreme cases of demonic possession. So being a professional homosexual it would be expected that (according to Pat) I too be the victim of an extreme case of possession and, in light of this, I decided to look for any of the warning signs.
During the last 18 years of being openly gay I am not aware that I ever ran up the stairs upside down on all fours, intentionally peed myself, masturbated with a crucifix, spun my head around 360 degrees while spewing vulgar curses intermingled with Latin phrases or told a priest to suck me off or told him his mother performs fellatio in hell. With the absence of these telltale warning signs I concluded that I could not possibly be possessed by a demon, or could I? Could I be wrong?
In most episodes of The Haunting the ghosts, spirits or demons either hid away in a closet in a house or used a closet or fireplace as a portal to enter our realm with the purpose of haunting or human possession. Is this a coincidence? Is this why homosexuals come out of the closet? I don’t know. But I do know that most people’s closets are scary godforsaken places and the only creatures that like to spend time in there are cats, mentally disturbed children and apparently demons. Whether they do this to secretly judge your wardrobe or are taking pleasure from looking at items of clothing that are reminiscent of some bad life choices you have made in the past, who knows. But they like closets, and I do not.
Demonic possession is always portrayed as this scary evil thing but if Pat is right and all queer folk are indeed possessed by demons it would mean that the media’s portrayal of possession is wrong. Sure some homosexuals can talk in tongues when drunk, stoned or high. Sure some homosexuals can get violent when her girlfriend is being chatted up by another chick at a bar. Sure some homosexuals could neglect their personal hygiene (Robert Patterson I am talking to you). But it’s not all vomiting green slime, foaming from the mouth and sexually violating religious paraphernalia while levitating. There’s more and according to some religious fanatics we also have an earthly leader paving our way to hell.
Demon possession and the embodiment of evil have been attributed to Lady Gaga and her legion of little monsters of which I am one. Mother Monster, as she calls herself, has been called many things and some fanatical religious folks even went as far as to say the devil is working through her. Furthermore, they claim Gaga’s album Born this Way is filled with evil messages and satanic symbolism. Apparently what we all saw as dramatic flair and artistic expression has in fact always been evil and straight from the devil himself.
One nut job even wrote on her blog “If Gaga scares you that means you have the power of God giving you discernment”. I am not sure exactly what this Sarah Salvation meant to say with that statement other than the fact that she loses bowl control whenever Gaga plays over the radio and that she blames the shit in her panties on her religion. Maybe if Sarah Salvation invested in a good enema kit she would not be so anal in her world views and would shit herself less.
After some strenuous research on Google I could not find any evidence supporting Pat’s theory on homosexuality and demon possession. If you think about it, why would any demon from hell want to possess a homosexual anyway? If you have seen the weird shit homosexuals do to their pets when we are bored you can just imagine what corny outfits we would dream up for our demons. Some of us queers curse like sailors anyway and the demon may find it difficult to keep up with our four letter word vocabulary. And then there is hell and I am sure Satan would not appreciate it if a bunch of Queens merrily skipped in there signing “I am on the right track, baby I am born this way” while putting our paws up and started redecorating.
So before you reach for the holy water, crucifixes and run into the warm not so platonic embrace of your local Priest, chances are that you are not possessed by any demon. Our dear friend Pat in all likelihood just had one of his regular brain farts and clearly did not think it through before he made that statement. Just like we did not cause Hurricane Katrina and the lesbians aren’t partly to blame for 9/11. Sorry Pat, perhaps it is time to start taking those meds again.
Till next time.