Thursday, November 22, 2012

The Apocalypse: We Will All Die!

I am not sure whether you heard but the world is about to end (this is where you run away in horror screaming).  According to a range of eschatological beliefs some cataclysmic or transformative events will occur on 21 December 2012.  Coincidentally this is also when the Mayan calendar ends.  The human race will be swatted off this rock we call earth like flies are swatted off a piece of stale of bread.  This seriously will be interfering with my holiday and Christmas plans.  With this looming disaster I am however left with many important questions.  Important questions like what the fuck do you where to the apocalypse?  Must I wear my hair up or down?  Will I need sun screen?  These are the type of question you really should be asking yourself and the answers would greatly depend on how the end of the world as we know it pans out.  So here are two scenarios to consider.
Look, earth is in the middle of nowhere in space and, apart from aliens, there are a shit load of stuff flying around in our vast galaxy that we don’t know about.  Any of which could be on a direct trajectory to our little blue planet.  So it is viable that an intergalactic fender bender like the one that killed all the dinosaurs could occur.  There have been many movies made about asteroids hitting the earth and most of them have happy endings.  But, if the Mayans are right our ending won’t be.  Happy that is.  We will all die screaming and those who survive will later die either from freezing to death or starvation but we will all die!  Not being one for the dramatics (yea right) I would prepare for the end as follows.

Firstly, if it is confirmed that a huge rock was hurdling our way and they named it something terrifying like “ZardanofX51” I would first pee myself a little and then go on one mother of a shopping spree.  I mean honestly.  If the earth is going to end and we are all going to die anyway who the hell won’t max out their Visa cards?  It’s not like the bank will foreclose your house because it will no longer be there and neither will the bank and the bankers will all be dead.  And who wants to die screaming dressed in last year’s fashion, cheap sunglasses and a fake mink coat.  If an asteroid is going to hit the earth I want to look catastrophically appropriate and utterly fabulous.  The reason being that if in a 1000 years from now alien archeological rovers discover my charred fossil I want them to go “Ah, this species had good taste, was well fed and could accessorize the hell out of an outfit.  I wonder who were Prada, Armani, Gaultier and Lacroix?”
But asteroids aren’t a very glamorous way to die in an apocalypse so I secretly hope that it won’t end that way on 21 December.  I would much rather prefer being sucked into a black hole.  I have always been fascinated with black holes and how little we know about them.  Personally I have never been in one myself but from what I hear once you go black you never go back.  And from what I have seen on television, more specifically the Discovery channel, being sucked into black hole is not a pleasant experience as you are first stretched beyond your physical limit and then compressed into a minute particle.  For in case you haven’t realized it this scenario is not compatible with life and you will die.  But on the upside, at least you will look really thin for a few seconds.  So it’s not all bad.

If a black hole was to appear on 21 December I hope it is during the day time and that it is sunny and hot outside.  You see I would like to spend my last hours on earth next to the pool, sunbathing while drinking cocktails.  Lots of cocktails!  If I will end up being mutilated and molested by gravitational forces I would prefer to be highly lubricated, intoxicated and high on poppers.  I might even try negotiating with the black hole and it would go something like this “Sorry, nope I am not going into your black hole today.  It’s not like I am a racist or something but I don’t go into any holes if it hasn’t properly courted me or at the very least bought me dinner.  Do I look like a slut to you?  Go destroy Mars or Venus.”  Of course this won’t make any difference, but it would make me feel like at least I tried.  And remember I would be drunk as hell so it would be, at the time, a perfectly sensible thing to do in my mind.
Who said the apocalypse can’t be fun.  If you are going to die anyway and know when that day is what would you prefer to do?  Sit scared shitless in a bunker with canned food, bottled water, batteries and flash lights or would you prefer to get shitfaced and stuff yourself with all the food that’s bad for you but tastes delicious.  Honestly, I would prefer to do the latter.  I’d rather die laughing than die screaming.  It is the end of the world after all, you might as well let your hair down and live a little.  It’s not like you will be tagged in drunken pictures on Facebook the next day.  It’s not like you are going to wake up the morning of the 22nd after having been asleep in your own vomit thinking “What the fuck happened last night?  What did I do?  What’s this chunky sour smelling stuff on my face and in my hair?”  No you won’t because you will be dead.  That’s how the apocalypse ends.  That’s why they call it an Apocalypse bitches!

Whether or not the world will really end on 21 December 2012, who the hell knows.  I for one think it’s a bullshit story.  If I recall correctly, the world was suppose to end like twice this year already and we are all still here.  So what will make 21 December so special and catastrophic?  So the Mayan calendar ends then, but maybe the Mayans just got tired.  Or maybe the Mayans updated their calendars to that date and decided that the next generation would do the next 100 years and unfortunately for them, their descendants were a bunch of procrastinating lazy shits.  Whatever the case maybe I will not be holding my breath for fire and brimstone to be falling out of the sky.  On 21 December I will be lazing about doing holiday stuff and drinking a moderate amount of cocktails because I hate hangovers.  If you want to sit in a bunker, it’s your choice.

Till next time.

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