Thursday, February 23, 2012

How to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you.


As all cat owners will tell, cats are weird!  You never really quite know where you stand with them and they are also not all that forthcoming with affection.  Sure they rely on us for food, or so we want as to believe.  Surely they must love us and will never do anything (on purpose that is) to harm us, or will they?  Maybe all the affection (or lack thereof) is just a ruse to conceal their true intentions – the fact that they are secretly plotting to kill us.  Here are the tell tail signs that your cat maybe plotting to kill you.  Read carefully, be warned and be prepared…
1) Kneading on you:
You may think this is a sign of affection, but your cat is actually checking your internal organs for weakness.

2) Excessive shoveling of kitty litter:
After using the litter box, your cat needlessly kicks litter around, most of it ending up all over the room.  This is practice for burying your body.

3) Staring contests:
If you get caught in a staring contest with your cat, do NOT look away.  Looking away will signal to your cat that you are weak and an attack is likely to follow.

4) Bringing you dead animals:
This isn’t a gift.  It is a warning.

5) Throwing up grass:
Through this painful feeding and purging process, cats prepare their minds and bodies for combat.

6) Hiding in dark places and watching you:
Your cat will often hide in order to study you in your natural habitat, learn your routine and exploit your weaknesses.

7) Sleeping on your electronics:
Humans have superior technology.  Your cat knows this.  Your cat will do its best to disrupt all communications to the outside world.

8) Pawing at your face while you sleep:
Cats aren’t very good at smothering people as is widely believed.  But this won’t stop them from trying.

9) Licking the tiles after you get out of the shower:
Cats do not do this because they are thirsty; they are actually systematically removing your DNA from the house.

10) Sprinting at light speed out of any room you enter:
When your cat does this, it is actually a failed ambush.  Your cat will try again.

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Till next time.

1 comment:

Random said...

My God, I have been so blind. I fear what will happen when the last sign finally manifests - 5) Throwing up grass. I think my cat is still working up to that one. Thank you for the warning, I will be extra vigilant from now on.
xxx
Disenchanted Victim

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