Friday, May 20, 2011

Sweet Baby Cheeses!!!

Today I received an e-mail from a concerned mother. She wrote to me asking to refrain from cursing on my blog seeing as her child reads it and she didn’t want him exposed to bad language. Appreciative that she took the time to write to me, I must admit my first thought after reading her rather rude request was Sweet Baby Cheeses! She doesn’t want me to curse but it is OK for me to write about gay sex, porn, sometimes post questionable YouTube videos and write about my bowl movements but the odd F bomb is upsetting to her? Sitting back reflecting on my body of work (my blog in its entirety) I couldn’t help but wonder how many other things I have written about which she could have complained about.
I must admit that I have a bit of a potty mouth, but in my defence not even 1% of the profanities that leave my mouth on a daily basis make it onto my blog. Furthermore, my mind often goes to strange places and I have to edit certain topics to make them consumable for my readers and prevent them from having to endure endless hours of therapy and/or to suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. So, when the odd F bomb, sheit, bieach, bulltwang, son-of-a gun, mother folker and ahole are used they are carefully selected and used in moderation. After all I am no angel and this is a personal blog, which some may say is for a niche market, and I don’t write about puppies, butterflies and/or freaking garden gnomes. I write about Fairies and as my favourite haters, the Phelps family, so eloquently and frequently Tweet me – my ”depraved” lifestyle!

So when the mother wrote to me about the seven curse words I used (and I checked, there are only seven to date), I was puzzled. Firstly, I wondered whether her child is gay. If so, I have to commend her on good parenting and for allowing her child to read my blog. Secondly, I wondered how old her child is as I am thoroughly aware that some of my blog’s content is not appropriate for children under the age of 13. But I neglected to write her back to ask, so it will remain a mystery. Furthermore, I wondered whether she had a progressive parenting style and only drew the limit of her leniency at cursing, which I would find odd. After all I have written many things that have seriously pissed people off and shocked others in the past and found it queer that she did not complain about that?
Does the fact that I have regularly trashed the Catholic Church, the Pope and even went as far as to attack certain Christians not bother her? I have also written many articles about pornography, sex and, what disturbs me to this day, fetish porn such as Clown Porn. But no, according to her, my cursing is far more offensive. With this in mind I was now thoroughly perplexed. I found myself asking whether being reprimanded by a total stranger about my bad language should encourage me to stop cursing? On the one hand I do care what my readers think and I don’t want to corrupt an innocent child’s vocabulary and worse corrupt his mind. But on the other hand I want to stay true to myself and not have to excessively edit myself and/or my thoughts. So after much introspection, verbal diarrhea and deliberation with all my different personalities I came to a considered and profound decision.

NO, I will not stop fucking cursing!!! I have far more important things to worry about and areas that I can work on other than the use of the odd damn curse word. Things like my atrocious grammar, obsession with commas and semi colons and spelling mistakes. My bloody grammar should be a far greater concern than my cursing don’t you think? I’m also convinced that having children exposed to bad grammar will have far greater and longer lasting negative effect than learning a few colourful words; the latter of which, I may add, are very useful in a great many circumstances!
So this is how it’s going to be concerned mother. I will continue cursing, in moderation, and promise not let my whole repertoire of swear words rip in one blog post – I will evenly spread them across future blog posts. Concerned mother, I apologize in advance, graciously decline your request and thank you for your e-mail. My advice to you would be to buy a swearing bin and not a tin for your kid. That way you can punish him for cursing, charge him $1 for every word and make some cash out of it in the process too! This way everyone wins! I just hope your son is not a 40 year old looser and that you guys don’t have a Psycho Norman Bates situation going on over there. In which case it was nice knowing you and in the bigger scheme of things you have allot more to trouble your pretty little head about than my fucking blog!

Till next time.

4 comments:

The Bitchy Waiter said...

Hilarious.

Clockwork Kitten said...

Some people's priorities are really fucked up. (I'm still allowed to swear on the internet, right?)

This woman should have her child taken away by Protective services.... and not because he reads your blog. It's because anyone who tries to 'protect' their children by pretending things don't exist (And on top of that, protect them from only the most asinine crap in the world) should be labeled as a 'bad parent'.

Really, people scare me.

Jason Shaw said...

Well fuck me! What a fucking fuckness fucker of a fuckwit.

Loved this post, and the letter, love it.

Pierre said...

@The Bitchy Waiter, thanks!

@Clockwork Kitten, maybe she should install an Internet nanny programme and save all of us the grief of receiving e-mails from her.

@Jason Shaw, thanks I knew you would appreciate it.

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