Life is a queer phenomenon. All of us want to go to heaven but none of us wants to die. Before I mislead you in believing this will be a morbid article about the afterlife or being once again at the precipice of insulting the Catholic Church for being infinitely stupid. This article is far more serious and far worse than you can imagine. Recently I had an interesting discussion with a friend regarding small things in life that we found annoying and/or discomforting, and I realized that all of us have little embarrassing idiosyncrasies. And what we do in the loo is one of them.
Our toilet behaviour is a topic that we rarely discuss in social settings. No one wants to know about your bowel movements or lack thereof. But all of us takes a dump, and if you don’t you need to consult your medical practitioner regarding the fact that you’re literally full of shit. The one thing about bowel movements that I don’t like is when it happens in any location other than one of our three bathrooms at our house. Personally, I prefer them scheduled for early mornings or late afternoons. I prefer them quiet, peaceful and solitary while reading a newspaper on my BlackBerry. You see, I find unscheduled bowel movements inconvenient and if I don’t have to I will not make a number two outside of my comfort zone area. Once I found myself all panic stricken due to bit of stubborn excrement that refused to flush away at a friend’s house. Knowing that I wouldn’t be pleased finding a little brown gift in my toilet after a friend has used it, I had “the battle of the turd”, the details of which are far too disgusting to labour over. Hence, I now absolutely refuse to make chocolate brownies at other people’s houses if it is not absolutely necessary. Let’s just call it one of my many lifestyle choices.
Yes, our toilet behaviours are fascinating and we should talk about it more often. We all have our little rituals, preferences and aversions. There is no rule book for what is and what is not appropriate and/or recommended as it should be common sense. It’s just a pity some folks lack the latter. So the next time you retreat to your loo to unload some bodily fluids, I hope you remember this article, think of little old me, wash your hands and refrain from phoning people.
Till next time.