Today is our 12 year anniversary, that’s like 20 in straight years. Gosh, I can’t believe hubby and I have been together for so long – we must be getting old! I received many well wishes today. Many said “congratulation you guys set a good example”. After reading some of the e-mails I started to wonder, are we the exception rather than the rule in the gay community? Is it that rare to find gay couples in committed relationships that actually last?Look, I must be honest the last 12 years wasn’t all smooth sailing. We most certainly have had our ups and downs. We even broke up once to “see other people” and that lasted less than a week. Like all couples we have our disagreements and the odd fight and having to compromise on issues either one of us feel strongly about. But at the end of the day it’s all worth it once you find that special someone you are willing to make the effort for.
In all relationships, once you pass a certain point you start behaving like an old married couple. Trust me; this happens without you even knowing. You start finishing each other’s sentences, reacting in the same way and making the same agreeable noises at the same time during conversations or watching television. You bicker in shops about groceries or at the nursery about what plants you want in your garden. Get irritated when there is one ice cube left in the tray and hubby didn’t see it necessary to fill it; or hubby being irritated because I have the inability to properly close draws after I liberated an item from it. You know you are an old married couple once you feel comfortable making a number two while your partner is in the bath next to you (I know it’s rude but it does happen). Luckily for us, we are not the only gay couple that exhibits such queer behavior.
There are many couples in the gay community that have been together longer than us. There is no secret handbook that tells gay people how to make relationships work. Yet, couples in long term relationships almost seem to be viewed as mystical – knowing something or doing something that helps their relationships last. I often times wonder why this is. Is it because we are less visible in the community? Maybe this is true because as we grow older we tend to go to clubs less, rather opting to spend quiet evenings at home with friends. Not all of us are actively involved in community and we go about our daily business unnoticed. So when do the younger gays ever get to see that it is possible to find your soul mate and that gay relationships can and do last?
In the world of clubbing, sex and drugs when you are young, if I recall my twenties correctly, some queers are into fast love, plenty of sex and parties. I saw many of my single friends have one night stands then thinking they are in love followed by a three month relationship, then growing bored and abruptly ending it. Some lucky ones even made it to a year. The one common denominator I identified was this notion that there might just be someone out there whom may better than the boyfriend/girlfriend they currently had. None of these friends, I believe, were ready to settle down at the time. I remember one friend telling me just after our 4th anniversary that he wished he had what hubby and I have – someone that loved him enough to want to stay with him. The problem was not that “that someone” wouldn’t love him enough but the mere fact that he just wasn’t ready to put in the effort from himself. Now 8 years later, he did find that someone and is willing to make the effort to ensure that his relationship will last.
No relationship just happens over night. It’s a lot of work and takes time. Both people must be willing to put in the effort and be strong enough to endure both the good times and the bad. Understandably, it is difficult in the gay community as we sometimes face challenges much different from our straight counterparts and role models are few and far in between. But this should not mean if you are single to give up hope. Hubby and I, and other couples like us should not be viewed as the exception, but rather as the rule. Everyone has someone out there who will love them unconditionally, support them and be prepared to travel the road with them no matter how smooth or rough it maybe. Sometimes the gay cupid is just a tad slow, or maybe a tad wise making sure your special someone crosses your path at just the right time.
Till next time.
Madonna 4 Minutes Parody by Sherry Vine (for the mature audience)