Thursday, January 22, 2009

Crack and Sack

I had a particular rough week. By Wednesday my optimistic mood was shattered, and I was left feeling pissed off, dejected and particularly annoyed with all my colleagues. So I stuffed my face with carbs then attended a high impact cardio kick boxing class at the gym, to burn off the carbs. Thursday morning I decided to take a deep breath, adjusted my attitude and put all my frustrations in a bubble and blow it away. I then did what any gay man would do and attended to my personal grooming - gay therapy!

Gay grooming is a complicated affair. Depending whether you are a Bear, Bear Cup, Butch, Femme, Twink, Muscle Mary, Drag Queen etc, gay grooming have different rules for different groups. But no matter in which group you fall, one rule stands – pubic hair should never be left to grow unattended. If you have an Amazonian jungle in your jockstrap or panty you are sure to get a disgusted stare from any potential sex partner. No one wants to go down on a monkey and very few homosexuals prefer a hairy ass to a smooth bubble butt. Homosexuals prefer genitalia to be neatly kept as we want to see what we have to work with. Correct grooming can make anything look shiny, bigger and better, it’s also is more hygienic. There is no handbook explaining these rules, you learn them through trial and error and if you are really unlucky through a sex partner who will rudely point out your grooming errors. (All homosexual have a bitch gene, in some the gene is more dominant and we all know who we are!)

My waxing routine is painful but simple. All hair from the neck down is removed, apart from that which is covered by a g-string which I attend to myself. I have considered having what they call a “Crack and Sack” (the male equivalent of a “Brazilian Wax”) but the idea of it gives me nightmares. I can’t imagine having to bend over in awkward positions, having to pull my cheeks apart, having to tightly grip the skin of certain parts of my anatomy in order to assist my waxing technician to get to all those nooks and crannies. Besides being embarrassed to do so, I imagine the pain would be horrendous. It will also add an extra 15 minutes to my 45 minute appointments.

After my waxing session I leave the spa free of unwanted hair, I leave feeling happier, lighter and less frustrated. I caught up on all the gossip and realized that my problems are far less significant than those of other clients.

At home I attend to the finishing touches, which do included contorting my body into awkward positions, but at least I have a good understanding of my own anatomy and have no audience (apart from our 3 cats who find the whole routine fascinating to watch). It’s amazing what one can achieve with a pair of clippers, shaving cream and a razor. You can transform your body from that of a cave man to a porn ready super stud. Maybe it was the change that happened in the gay porn industry during the 90’s that inspired the big change in gay male genital grooming. But what ever the instigating factor was, I am grateful for it. The days of bushy pubes, hairy balls and hairy asses are over. Gay genital grooming has claimed its rightful place in the Top 5 spots of gay therapy: Hair cuts, Gym, Clubbing, Sex and Genital Grooming (Not in order of preference or importance). Till next time



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2 comments:

Mr. Know-it-all said...

That was the most specific, yet greatly appreciated post on gay grooming ever.

I also now know another name for the "Brazilian" that's just a bit more... vivid.

Pierre said...

What is the other name you know for the "Brazillian"?

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