Thursday, October 23, 2014

Ebola and the Zombie Apocalypse

If you haven’t heard about the Ebola outbreak you must be living under a rock.  Apparently it is the largest outbreak in like forever.  Thousands of people have died and if you catch it you have a ninety present chance of bleeding to death from all your orifices.  Being OCD and a germaphobe these odds scare the shit out of me.  Firstly, because I don’t want to be infected with some strange ass disease; and secondly, bleeding from all my orifices seems rather messy and unhygienic.

More concerning besides all these terrible things that Ebola is causing is the bogus reports that people who have died from Ebola are coming back as Zombies.  You may be thinking “What. The. Fuck.”  And you are justified in thinking that, but let’s imagine for a moment that it is true.

Remember that movie years ago called “Outbreak”.  You know the one with the cute monkey who ended up being the cause of all the drama.  Well, Ebola is not that different and neither is this outbreak.  I mean the image they used in that movie was oddly similar to the Ebola virus when viewed under a microscope.  Truth be told, even scientist are scared of this virus.  When handling it in their secured labs they adopt the precautions of space walkers.  That should already be telling you something.  And now this virus is free to roam around West Africa and board airplanes to your country.

Nobody looks sexy in a biohazard suit but I am sure the designers from Project Runway could easily transform these suits into fashion forward Haute Couture.  It could be called “The Apocalypse” challenge.  Which brings me to the actual focus of my blog post – zombies.  Those who know me well will tell you that I am a firm believer that the zombie apocalypse is imminent and real.  And when it does happen having watched The Walking Dead and the show Doomsday Preppers could save your life.

So what are the chances of the Ebola outbreak prompting the Zombie Apocalypse?  Well, to be honest nobody knows.  However, that does not exclude the possibility though.  Just like we cannot exclude the possibility of aliens and that cats may one day rule the world.  It may sound farfetched but anything is possible really.  Just look at the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo.  Neither of these two families have any talent nor are they very smart yet they became famous.  Frankly speaking, I prefer zombies to the likes of them any day.

In West Africa the dead have been buried in mass graves and even when a person is sick and dying on the street people refuse to help them.  They are too scared of getting infected.  Being buried in a huge hole with strangers and being refused help in a public area understandably could cause people to bear a grudge.  So if these victims of Ebola had to rise from the dead as zombies naturally they would be pissed off.  Firstly, because they bled to death from all their orifices and that shit is just fucked up and secondly, because they were not treated with dignity and now they are hungry for brains and out for revenge!

I can see how Ebola Zombies would freak people out more than normal zombies.  Not only would they want to eat you but they could also still infect you will Ebola.  So in that situation you will end up having three choices.  Well, actually four but shitting yourself could in all probability happen concurrently with the other three.  Firstly, you can decide to allow yourself get eaten alive.  Secondly, you can decide that dying of Ebola in the street with strangers watching is not that bad. Or thirdly, you can decide to fight and still run the risk of being infected with Ebola.  I am not sure which option I would choose.

In all seriousness, the Ebola outbreak is no joke.  As of yet it does not seem if the outbreak is under control and a number of cases have already been identified outside of West Africa.  I was recently asked by a friend in Canada whether they should be worried and my answer was yes.  As long as there are an outbreak and people are free to travel then we are all at risk.  If you have health care practitioners helping out in the affected areas then you are at risk.  I don’t think the Ebola outbreak should cause mass hysteria but people should be cautious.  If you want to get hysterical then rather wait for the zombies.


Till next time.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Madonnalogues


Madonna like you have never seen her before.  Raw, uncut, unapologetic.
To watch more of the Madonnalogues subscribe to the talented Nadya Ginsburg's YouTube channel by clicking HERE!

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Bears. The gay documentary.

We all love a good nature documentary, right?  If you ever thought or wanted to see what gay bears live like then this documentary is for you.  These bears do all the things you expect them to do in the wild - eating, giving blow jobs and throwing shade. Check it out.
 

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

What happens if a Go-Go Boy grows old


We all dread growing old (turning 30). But what happens when a Go-Go Boy enters his twilight years.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Gay Men Try To Explain Tampons

Ok, so we have no clue about feminine hygiene. But in our defense we don't have a vagina.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

I Look Fuckin Cool


Adore Delano performing I Look Fuckin Cool (feat. Alaska Thunderfuck)
& guest appearance by Nina Flowers

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The Gay Zombie Apocalypse


Be warned! The Gay Zombie Apocalypse is coming!

Monday, September 22, 2014

Sex Littering

There are a few things in life that make my blood boil.  Well, actually that is a lie.  There are a great many things in life that causes the veins in my head to throb.  Mostly I can overcome such emotional inconveniences by counting to ten or proactively popping a pill for it.  However, every now and again I am caught off guard causing me to briefly behave like an emotionally disturbed child accompanied by a nervous tick in my left eye.  This past weekend was one such an occasion as I was confronted with one of my top ten pet peeves – sex littering.

Now before you ask me what sex littering is let me explain.  Sex littering is when someone leaves behind certain items that they used during coitus in a public space for everyone to see or, when a certain deranged bitch throws her husband’s porn DVD’s over your wall into your back yard.  I am aware that the latter is unusual and doesn’t happen to most people.  However, it has happened to me. Twice!  You see our neighbor’s, which I have always referred to here as the “undesirables”, has an extremely tumultuous relationship.  Sometimes their emotional turbulence interferes with my inner peace and I have called the police on them before.  But this new turn of events had me baffled.

Sometime during the beginning of the year I was strolling through our back garden when I saw something shining as the light caught it in the foliage.  Upon closer inspection it looked like a CD or DVD that was lying face down.  Being naturally curious by nature I Indiana Jonesed my way through the foliage and picked it.  When I eventually got it and turned it around I was both shocked and very confused.  After all I am a very innocent, sensitive and impressionable person.  I was mortified to discover that it was a hardcore straight porn DVD.  “What. The. Fuck.” came out of my mouth before I could help it.  Why was it in our back garden and who left it there?

Nobody expects to find porn in their garden, especially when it is not yours.  Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against porn as such.  What I do have a problem with is when someone throws it into my garden.  It is not only inconsiderate but irresponsible.  What if our bunnies tried to eat it or if our garden services found it. I mean really.  If you want to toss porn into our garden at least make sure it is gay porn.  Generally homosexuals do not get off on straight porn and I thought people knew that.  Also, our garden services are very judgmental. 


It wasn’t long before my exceptional sleuthing skills helped me track down the sex litterer.  It was our neighbor (the undesirables).  I once overheard her and her husband fighting about porn.  From what I could tell she didn’t like it being in their house and she doesn’t like him watching it hence, her throwing it over our wall.  I honestly think that woman is a few potatoes short of a potato salad.  The only rational reason I could think of for her to choose our yard as her personal porn dumping site is because we are their only neighbor who doesn’t have older kids.  Still, that is no excuse for exposing us unwillingly to their straight pornography or littering our garden with her husband’s debauchery and her condemnation of it.


I am a firm believer of the theory high walls make for good neighbors.  I don’t really care what goes on in most of my neighbor’s lives.  I don’t snoop and respect other people’s privacy.  But when our neighbor’s shit start affecting my life and intrudes into my little bubble of peace and tranquility I tend to get annoyed.  Thinking that the sex littering was a once off thing I decided to let it go for the sake of not embarrassing anybody.  Also, I didn’t want to talk to the undesirables especially not about their twisted taste in porn.  Unfortunately nothing in my life is ever uncomplicated.

So this weekend when I went to check on our bunnies’ food situation I again stumbled upon sex litter.  Again it was straight porn and again it was the undesirables.  My blood pressure went up and this time I was furious.  “What the fuck is wrong with these people.  Why can’t she just throw this shit in their dustbin or dispose of it in any other way?  Why us?  Why our garden?”  I remember thinking.  Also, do we look like the kind of people who would want to watch a porn movie titled “Sex starved fuck sluts”?  After I caught my breath and the twitch in my left eye subsided I thought of the best way forward.  I decided to leave them a harshly worded letter:

Dear Neighbors,
Your sex life is none of our business but you have made it our business when you first threw the porn DVD “Backdoor adventures of Butthead and Beaver” into our yard on 22 February this year.  Now, again you decided to infringe on my right to privacy and choice to live in a straight porn free environment by having thrown the porn DVD “Sex starved fuck sluts” into our yard.  If you have some sexual issues, including but not limited to porn, please don’t make your fucking problem ours.  Go see a fucking therapist.  Also, our yard is not your personal sex litter dump.  Use your dustbin.  That is what it is there for!
Lastly, by throwing your porn into our yard is not the solution to your problems.  The internet is full of free porn that could meet with your sexual desires and fetishes.  I know you have internet at home because I can see your WiFi on my phone.  Use it.  Delete it.  Just for the love of god leave us out of it.
Sincerely,
Your GAY neighbors.

I am still checking our mailbox for their apology letter.  So much for being “good Christians” who go to church every Sunday.  The worst part of their sex littering is the fact that we are then forced to throw their porn into our dustbin.  What will our housekeeper think if she accidentally sees the porn DVD.  It has been enough of a culture shock for her to work for two homosexuals with a child.  I think discovering a porn DVD in between broken egg shells and potato peels might just give her a heart attack.


I thought moving to suburbia would be peaceful, quiet and private.  I never expected people to throw straight porn DVD’s into our yard and that our neighbors would be perverts with a preference for entering through the back door and being into sluts.  Also, I never expected that I would need to have awkward conversations with my neighbors about their sex lives, fetishes or taste in porn.  I guess it is what it is.  At least they are not terrorists and after my note hopefully they would be too ashamed to even look at me.  And ashamed they should be.


Till next time.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Shit they don’t tell you before you become a parent

There is some stuff I wish people would have told me before we became parents.  Not that “it will change your life” nonsense because, you would have to be mentally challenged if you don’t realize that.  Also, then it might not be the best idea for you to have children and perhaps you should first start with a small pet or a house plant.  The things I wish I were told before becoming a father is not unlike that T&C’s and/or fine prints you find in contracts.  Or the leaflets you find accompanying your medication.  We all know that we really should read them but, very few of us do.  So in case any of my readers are planning on or are becoming parents here are a few things you need to know and/or consider.

Children are a lot of work and you will never have any free time again.  Like. In. Forever.  Children require your full attention and when you don’t give it to them you can expect the apocalypse to happen.  Our son’s favorite thing to do right before he throws a tantrum is to pull his dummy out of his mouth hurling it at me or anywhere that will have the most dramatic effect, followed by a quivering lip promptly followed by inhaling a deep breath right before crying and/or screaming.  This normally happens if I take too long to tend to his needs or don’t pick him up even though my hands are full.  But giving them your full attention is not just about attending to their wants and needs, it is also crucial in keeping these little beasties alive.

Whenever your house gets really quiet you should know baby/toddler is up to something.  I have found that if I turn my back on our son, even for one second, or leave the room to go fetch something that it is enough time for him to not only be a danger to himself but also to everyone else.  He has almost electrocuted himself, have a dining room chair fall on him, the cat’s have been molested by him and he is known to love playing with his own vomit or pulling things off coffee tables, chairs and couches.  Also, playpens (or like I call them “baby jails”) only work up to a point; the point being when your child learns that the playpen is not nailed to the floor and that it can be picked up and manually moved.  Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a baby/toddler.  They are master escape artists and strategic thinkers.  They are smarter than you think and they know our weaknesses.

Children will also ruin your sex life.  When you have a child, gone are those days of spontaneity and now you will have to plan shit.  Normally the best time to have sex would be when baby is sleeping or napping.  So you have to work around their routine.  However, babies have a sixth sense for things like this and don’t be surprised when baby cries in the nursery while you are midsession in the bedroom.  Then you have to drop everything, compose yourself only to find out the big issue interrupting your coitus is his dummy being five inches away from your son and he is too lazy to reach for it himself.  Then the mood is spoiled and sexy time is over.  Also, when you come home from work and after having fed, bathed and put baby to bed you don’t feel sexy.  Mostly you are just too tired.  But sex is not the only thing your precious bundle of joy will ruin, there is more.

Your house will never be clean ever again.  Trying to clean up after your child is a futile exercise.  And if you suffer from OCD, like I do, it is the cruelest and also the best exposure therapy there is.  Our house used to be super clean but now it no longer is.  Just this past weekend we had our son’s baptism at home.  The house was semi clean; you know the kind of clean so that people don’t judge you but the kind of dirty that make you feel ashamed of yourself.  But after the baptism our house was the kind of dirty that freaked my OCD the fuck out.  However, I did nothing about it.  I knew our housekeeper was coming on Monday and I stopped caring if she judged me or what she thought of us four months ago already.  Children can be freeing like that.

Your child will also ,at some point, embarrass you in public.  Just a few weeks ago I was filling a script at our pharmacy.  Just as I reached the counter to pay and opened my wallet our son decided to vomit all over it and the counter.  Having been used to vomit by then I thought nothing of it,  so I grabbed a couple of tissues and wiped off my wallet and very moist credit card.  With the card having had small pieces of chicken and carrot on it with saliva.  I handed the card to the cashier and cleaned the counter.  I did not look up or made eye contact at all, rather opting to pretend that this was perfectly normal.  Obviously, the cashier took my card and swiped it with great trepidation and disgust.  But hey, what else was I suppose to do?  Was I expected to do an “I am sorry dance” and say three Hail Mary’s?

Babies and toddlers are nudists at heart and they have no shame.  Our son hates clothes and is at his happiest when he is naked.  This is why he loves bath time and being lathered up with lotion after but, as soon as he realizes that all that was actually building up to getting dressed then the production of “Clothes are from the Devil” starts.  He will cry and try and make it impossible to dress him.  Putting clothes on our son is like trying to dress an angry octopus with one hand while being blind folded.  I am also sure it burns a couple of thousand kilojoules which I don’t mind, I do want to lose some more weight.  And this leads me to my next point – distracting your child with illusions and trickery.

I have found the best way to get my son dressed or to change his nappy without fighting with an octopus is by distracting him with a toy.  It occupies him and lets me do what needs to get done.  Also, sometimes he would want to put things in his mouth off the floor that is just nasty and that is where magic comes in.  The item will then mysteriously disappear and as if by magic be replaced with something more appropriate.  All our remote controls also, according to him, magically disappear when he wants to play with them.  But in reality they are merely hidden behind the scatter cushions on our couch.  Fortunately, the bargaining and negotiating skills that we will soon need are still some time away.

Being a parent is hard work and people don’t tell you the exact details of this until after you have a child.  Perhaps this is why we as a species are not extinct yet.  As a parent you need some exceptional skills to be successful, you have to be a magician, a liar, hostage negotiator, psychic and have nerves of steel.  You must also have eyes in the back of your head and supersonic hearing.  That being said, I have learned so much about myself since becoming a father.  I have also learned that the one thing that is true about parenthood is that it is the most rewarding experience I have ever had in my life.  I will not exchange this experience for anything.


Till next time.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Back to Reality

Yes, I know I have been rather lazy blogging the last couple of months.  But in my defense I had shit going on.  Also, I know I really should not be using this kind of language because I now have a child but hey, he is going to hear these words eventually.  After four months of paternity leave I went back to work on Monday.  It feels strange being back in the office.  I mean I have time to myself, apart from work, and it feels like a mini holiday.  I know how it sounds but if you have kids you’d understand.

Over the weekend I was very down and moody.  The prospect of going back to work seemed like a nightmare.  I did not know how I would cope not being with my son 24/7.  I knew I would miss him terribly and I am.  Also, being the neurotic kind of person I am I also had irrational debates with myself.  You know the kind that people in psychiatric hospitals have when their meds aren’t working.  At least I didn’t hear voices or thought that I was Jesus.  I am not that crazy.  Yet.

Over the weekend my mind played around with a lot of "what ifs".  What if my son did not cope with going to granny’s during the week.  What if granny could not cope looking after my son.  What if my son loves granny more than he loves me.  What if when I am at work and something happens to my son.  There are a lot more what ifs that flooded my brain but I don’t want to bore you with my neuroticism and illogical parental reservations.  In the end of the day Monday came and went and nobody died and our little smiling and giggling tornado was a happy and content baby.

I still have issues with missing my son during the day at work and granny is not good at sending me proof of life pictures.  I want at least two picture of him a day and according to my husband this makes me an overbearing parent with unrealistic expectations.  After all granny raised him and his brother and was a day mother for many years and knows what she is doing.  But still, I am an overbearing parent and I am not ashamed of it.  Also I suspect it will only get worse with time.  But this is not the only issue hubby has.

Apparently I am also a helicopter dad who is someone that hovers.  Personally I would not call it “hovering”.  I am merely discreetly supervising and, at times, provideds hubby with some constructive advice.  Just the other day hubby was busy dressing our son and he was doing something wrong and when I “advised” him he chased me out of the nursery.  I wasn’t really offended by it but thought to myself if he wants to learn certain things the hard way then so be it.  And just so you know, in that instance our son cried through the whole ordeal.  Had hubby listened to me that would not have happened.  Just saying…

Since our son became mobile and is crawling everywhere and pulling himself up against anything he can, nothing in the house is safe anymore.  When our cats see Michael coming their way they get all nervous and our oldest cat has now developed a nervous twitch.  Our son used to be fine in his playpen but sometime about two weeks ago he realized that it was nothing more than a baby jail and he went all prison break on my ass.  The problem now is that he is so fast if you turn your back on him for a few seconds he is gone.  And most time I would find him near a power socket about to electrocute himself or about to throw over one of our three air purifiers.

Our house has now been baby proofed as well.  Luckily we had house bunnies and learned about bunny proofing the house a while ago.  Baby proofing is not all that different from bunny proofing but at least Michael is not chewing on our couch or electrical cords.  Also, our son knows when he has done something wrong.  Just the other day he threw over one of the air purifiers and started crying because he thought I would be mad at him.  The same thing happened when he threw over the dustbin in the nursery and almost broke a glass by pushing over a small table.  At least he only do things like this once and learn from his experiences.

The biggest challenge I have being back at work now and not being with my son 24/7 is the fact that I will miss out on small things.  Every week since we got him he has done something new and I was the first one to see it.  Now that privilege falls to granny and I am crazy jealous.  Unfortunately this is the downside of not having the luxury of being a stay at home dad.  These days we cannot afford for one parent to stay at home and look after the kids.  Both parents need to work in order to provide the best possible life for our children.  It is by no means ideal but a sad reality.

It will still take me a couple of weeks to get over my shit, separation anxiety and neuroticism.  People tell me it gets easier but right now I think they are lying bastards.  I know I complained some days about having had to change six teething diapers, that our son was particularly difficult that day or that I was tired.  But now I miss all that.  Being back at work feels strange; I now have time to focus on something else and give it my full attention without being interrupted by bodily fluids.  I can have adult conversations with people and can go to the bathroom when I want to and do so alone.  But still I feel guilty.  The guilt I think is normal and will go away.  We all just need to adjust to our new reality and soon it will seem normal.  I hope.


Till next time.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

How not to react when your child tells you he is gay

I watched (or rather listened) to this video earlier today and was horrified! If you love your child how the fuck can you react this way? Being a parent now I have come to learn that your love for your child should be unconditional. It is incomprehensible that parents can act like this. They disgust me! 

Monday, August 25, 2014

Imprison homosexuals for "10 Years Hard Labor". WTF?!


I am rolling my eyes so hard I think I can see my own brain. You know, the one this asshole clearly doesn't have. Also, maybe all that turning around made him dizzy causing him not to be able to think "straight".

Friday, August 22, 2014

ARMAGAYDDON: Be afraid. Be very afraid.


Yes, it is happening. The gays are getting married, having families and slowly gaining equal rights.  Will all this lead to the end of the world as we know it?

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Reasons my son cries

This is not a real blog post but more something parents can relate to.  Also, I am not writing a real blog post because our son is teething and it isn’t fun for anybody, especially not for him.  Having been a parent now for just over three months I have come to learn that babies cry because of the weirdest things.  So I decided to list 20 reasons why my son cries.
  1. I would not allow him to drown in the bath.
  2. I would not allow him to electrocute himself.
  3. The cat walked away after he tried to suck on his tail.
  4. He is tired but refuses to sleep.
  5. I did not allow him to play with his own vomit.
  6. I did not allow him to play with his poopy diaper.
  7. The playpen.
  8. Clothes because he likes being naked.
  9. I took 5 seconds too long to give him his bottle.
  10. He couldn’t find his ugly dummy.
  11. I forgot his favorite chew toy in the car.
  12. He dropped his favorite chew toy while in his walking ring.
  13. The bunnies ran away when they saw him.
  14. I wouldn’t allow him to suck on my shoes.
  15. I wouldn’t give him the remote control.
  16. I didn’t allow him to suck on my iPhone.
  17. He got startled by a teddy bear.
  18. He got his foot stuck in the cot while trying to get out of it.
  19. I went to the bathroom and didn’t take him with.
  20. The first time he tasted banana.

Obviously my son also cries because he is teething and it hurts but I am sure as he becomes more mobile (starts walking) there will be plenty other and new reasons for tears.


Till next time.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Gay Men Read 50 Shades of Grey


Well I tried reading it and then got grossed out. Here is what some other homos thought about it.

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